Knowledge
by love.strawberries
Summary: [NxS slash, one shot] It is heartbreaking to realize you love someone only after you have killed him...


**Disclaimer- I do not own Inuyasha, and after reading this, many of you will be glad.**

**A/N- I'm not apologizing for this story. I think it's one of my best. Maybe the topic doesn't appeal to you, but c'mon, you have to admit, it _is_ nicely written.**

**Thanks to my wonderful beta, xWhiteXStaRx. There is no doubt in my mind I probably gave her a heart attack with this one.**

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I sat facing the setting sun, letting the last of the light warm me, as much as it was able to. I'm never warm anymore, not fully. Just little bursts, never anything to be happy about.

It is all I want. I want to be warm, just once. Never once have I been warm, the kind of warmth that went to your soul, your heart.

I am not even sure I _have_ a soul or heart.

What is my life worth? All I do is plan, steal, cheat, and hurt. Not that any of those things are bad, just not… fulfilling anymore. There is none of the mindless joy in killing anymore. It was just work. I have done it so many times now, it is just routine. I remember the times when to kill someone, or something, was a heinous crime. I loved the chase, the anger of the humans. Now, so many humans got killed nonstop, it didn't matter. Nobody got angry anymore at the loss of a human now, it was just life. Nobody ever excepted people to last anymore. All of the blind faith and hope for better things was gone. Lost. And I had done it.

_I_ have ruined it all, destroyed the human race. How wonderful it had been, the screaming, the horror. I want it back now. I want it all back.

I regret the attack now. I wish it had been longer, drawn out. A body killed here, a mother lost there, a small village lost… Not the instant, all out brawl it had turned out into.

Nowadays, there is nothing left to do. The lands are covered in demons, crowding everyone. Everything is a bore now, a chore. I don't hate the killing of a human trying to live, but I don't look forward to it now.

Actually, there is one thing I look forward to. It is probably what gets me through the monotonous days. It is probably what keeps me from just killing myself just to do _something_.

Maybe… maybe I should visit him today. It has been a couple of days since I've seen my _guest_. And that is only because I'd worn him out very much the last visit.

I smile at the memories of that night.

Then, my smile vanishes as I realize that soon, my guest would die, and I would have nothing once more. There was no other I want.

My life has become nothing. All I do is wait on demon lords who come visit, then kill them. Then kill the demons that come for revenge. What is there to do?

I don't feel… anything. Nothing at all. I no longer smile when demons cower in my presence, I no longer get angry when Kagura tries once more to escape me. I know why she wants to leave, it is so boring here, I want to escape too. Maybe… maybe I should just let her go. Let her have the freedom I never had.

"Kagura," I call softly.

The wind demoness is here in an instant, kneeling before me. "Yes, Naraku?"

"Kagura… Do you wish to have your heart?"

Her crimson eyes flash up at me, then goes back to studying the ground. "… Yes," she whispers hesitantly, most likely thinking it a trick question.

I draw the jar where I have it prisoner. Kagura looks up once more and stares longingly at it. I hold it up to the light, then look at her out of the corner of my eyes. "I never had one of these, Kagura. Or at least, I never had one worth speaking about… Take it." I throw it at her without warning, and she grabs it.

I watch her as she runs a shaking hand down the side of the cool glass, then look back up at me. "Why…?"

"Because I no longer need it. The hanyou is dead, as well the miko, the monk, the demon exterminator, and their pets. I have no use of your service. I have the Shikon jewel in my possession, there is nothing more I want. Take Kanna and go. I care not where you go. Just… leave…"

Kagura's eyes grow larger with every word. She stands up slowly, waiting for me to do something, anything. I turn away from her and watch the red sky. The sun was all but gone now, with only that rim of red brightening the horizon. She makes up her mind and slowly walks past me. I ignore her. She would leave sooner or later.

She stops before she reaches the exit to the castle balcony. "I… I won't thank you for giving me this, as it was mine to have… But I thank you for releasing me, and Kanna."

I turn my head to her, to her bowed head. I know she expects me to lash out at her for her words. "You are welcome."

She gives me a startled look, then nods. She was about to leave when…

"Oh, Kagura. There is one last service I would have you do for me. Bring me Sesshomaru. I would like to talk with him."

She nods, then disappears in her usual burst of wind.

I feel… I feel slightly happy. If I can't get anything out of my life, then at least she would.

Listen to me. I am being poetic and nice and fair and understanding and… What have I been turned to? I used to be evil and harsh, now I let demons go. Am I turning… good?

Kagura comes back, with Sesshomaru. She pushes him slightly and he stumbles to me. His body is bruised and bloody. His once pristine clothes are torn and dirtied. His white hair is tangled and matted with blood. His once bright amber eyes are dull. His hand is bent at an unnatural angle.

No.

Kagura watches me. I can feel her eyes on me. I nod, and she leaves without a look back. I know I will never see her again.

I gesture for Sesshomaru to come sit with me, and he does. He sits down roughly and watches me. I never realized that before, how much people watch me daily. Like I am a fire that could explode at any second. Which I could be.

"Sesshomaru… How are you feeling?"

Sesshomaru raises an eyebrow. "My hand is broken, as is one of my ribs, I have whip lashes on my back, I'm dirty, I smell, and I'm sore. I feel fine." His voice had a sarcasm to it that it never had before. How strange that it had been days of torture that finally made him unleash his emotions…

"I'm glad… Do you want a bath?"

Sesshomaru's eyes widen slightly. His emotions might be felt, but they are still in control. "No, I like being filthy and smelling like months-old carcasses."

"Oh… That's… nice." I turn back to the navy sky. I hear Sesshomaru sigh.

"Naraku… I would like a bath."

"I thought you liked being 'filthy and smelling like months-old carcasses'?"

"Sarcasm, Naraku. Sarcasm."

"I know. I'm not an idiot."

"No, just evil."

"I prefer the term 'morally challenged'."

"That works."

"Thank you."

"It wasn't a complement."

"I know that also. Let's get going for your bath."

Sesshomaru blinks at the sudden switch in topics, then nods. He draws himself up and stands waiting for me.

I can't believe the sheer amount of regality and elegance Sesshomaru has, even in his state. I sit looking up at him, admiring the resilience of his spirit. I also admire the strong body, slim hips… The long hair and perfect features… There really isn't anybody who can compare to him. It isn't just the looks, it is the aura and vibes he has surrounding him.

I stand up and lead him down the castle to the hot spring I have made by the rose garden. Captive demons work day and night to keep it at the perfect temperature. There is a natural hot spring not far, but I enjoy the perverse act of making _them_ work at this one. Well, I _had_ enjoyed it. Now, as with everything, there is no point. I think I will probably end up getting rid of them to.

Sesshomaru stands near the water and watches me. "Am I to bathe with you watching?"

"No. I have to bathe too, so I shall be joining you."

He grimaces slightly. He knows that I may end up doing to him what I have been doing for weeks. "Do not worry, I will not peek."

He stares, then laughs. "You have done much more, I care not if you 'peek' or not." And he proceeds to peel of his dirty clothes. I didn't hide the fact that I was watching him avidly, growing aroused. He really does have the perfect body. He steps into the water.

I slowly take off my own clothes, not rushing. I can see him watching me. He doesn't bother to hide that fact either. I sigh when I get into the water, it feels so nice. I love luxury.

Sesshomaru starts working on his hair, which is difficult to say the least, as he only has one hand, and said hand is broken.

"Turn around," I say to him. He doesn't argue (why should he?) and turns. I wash his hair, making it shine once more. I can feel him relax bit by bit, and it pleases me. I know what I will do to him, and it makes me more excited.

I run my fingers down his spine, and he shivers. I lean forward and softly kiss his neck. "No… please, not tonight…"

I love that. I have turned one of the most fearsome youkai in the land into a begging servant.

"No…"

I move my hand to his smooth chest, tracing his ribs. He has lost weight in the time he has been here.

I move my hand lower and grasp the erection I know he hates. I know he hates responding to me. Which makes me love it. I don't think I could ever respond to someone who is aroused by me willingly. What would be the fun in that? I like to… _work_ to get what I want.

He moans softly, bowing his head. He thrusts lightly against my hand. I know I am smiling wildly.

I lift him onto my lap. He gasps as he feels my obvious excitement. I thrust at him while tightening my grip in him, and his head falls backward.

I slide into him, and he hisses with the pain. I smile broader. Then we move, him against his will. I can make him do things and feel things he doesn't like. I think that's the ultimate power.

We come together, and he falls limp in my arms. I laugh. We sit together, and I contemplate what I am about to do with him. He turns to me.

"Why were you so gentle? If I didn't know better, I would think you liked me."

"I do like you. Always handy to torture." He rolls his eyes at me.

He isn't scared of me anymore. He knows that I can kill him whenever I want, he knows that I _will_ kill him someday. So he makes the best of his last days. I admire that too in him. There is so much to admire and respect in him.

I like to talk with him. When he isn't unconscious, that is. He is very intelligent (as we all know), and knowledgeable in many things. I also like to torture him. He can scream _very_ loudly, something nobody would guess from his usual silence. I like to make him beg, I like to see his blood run down his clothes, my clothes, the floor, the bed, anything.

I turn him to face me. He looks into my eyes, and the amber isn't as dull as before. I know that the faint brightness will die out after a while, and I can't wait. I love seeing his spirit broken. It's like the sun, dying and living everyday.

I study him, wondering. Then I draw my claws and slash through him. He still has the light in his eyes as he dies.

He says nothing, makes no sound. Just dies. How anticlimactic.

I know he wouldn't have been so easy to kill if he hadn't been subjected to months of torture. So I guess in a way, I cheated. I didn't fight honorably, didn't give him warning. As if I would lower myself to do that. The point in battle is to kill your opponent. Why would you want it on equal terms, which would make him harder to kill?

I drop his dead body into the water and watch it sink. I'll have one of the servants fish him out later. I rise and make my way to my clothes. I dry off and don my clothes.

The sky is completely black by this time. I guess I am doomed to never to be warm.

I walk through the garden, wondering over the sharp pain that will not leave my chest. And I realize, it is sadness. I am sad I killed Sesshomaru. Then I realize something else, something more important.

It is heartbreaking to realize you love someone only after you have killed him.

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**As I said before, I am not apologizing. If you could be so kind, please review. But please, don't flame. It will be read, laughed over, and then deleted.**


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